The Relationship Blog

Couples Therapy – The Difference Game & Passion

In playing the difference game there is a lot of intensity. But I don’t consider it real passion. It’s a lot of noise, a lot of blow up. But real passion isn’t necessarily noisy, and it doesn’t even have to be that intense. I have had some beautiful moments with clients in which there wasn’t a lot of noise in the room, there wasn’t even a lot of talking, but the feeling between us was extremely passionate. In that they were being authentically true to themselves and I was being authentically true to myself and we had a beautiful intimate moment.

How Would You Define Intimacy And How Does It Become Beautiful?

Intimacy occurs when you step over the line of your comfort zone and allow yourself to enter the unknown. Where you’re in a very vulnerable place and you’re sharing things that might be uncomfortable, or things that have been unacceptable to you. And you’re with someone else who is sharing at the same level that you are, and at the same time that you are. Intimacy is really only when two people are moving toward each other at the same time. Some people posture that they are intimate. They select someone who is very much an intimacy cripple and they profess that they are so open, and they are so sharing, but that’s no big risk. They aren’t risking anything when they know the other person is going to put up a boundary. The real thing is when you’re sharing with someone else and there is no boundary. And you’re just unfolding in their presence as they are unfolding in yours. That’s real intimacy and real passion.

So The Magic Moment Of Intimacy Is When Two People Are Being Authentic Move Toward One Another At The Same Time?

It’s in playing in harmony together, rather than one partner making noise, taking up all the space, and the other partner remaining in the background.

What Portion Of Couples Would You Say Are Truly Happy?

There are the relationships that don’t work at all. Then there are relationships that are considered marginal relationships. These are relationships that can function but there’s not a lot of intimacy. Then there are the truly intimate couples. It roughly breaks down into 33/33/33.

Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice for couples therapy in Woodland Hills and Los Angeles, California who specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194.

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