The Relationship Blog

We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You, A Book on The Readiness of Relationships That Our Government Could Have Used

In my book, We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You, like in all my books, I focus on really appreciating something for what it is and being able to find what fits for you rather than trying to squeeze yourself into something that doesn’t fit. The book discusses how we aren’t all ready for an intimate and committed relationship, but that they we need to respect whatever relationship we are ready for.

How does this relate to the government shutdown? No one in government discusses different levels. They all act like they are all at the same level and are all ready for whatever is thrown their way. No one every says “I’m not ready for this particular experience”, “I’m not ready to go to war or to spend this amount of money. They all act very grandiose and pretend that they are ready for everything. That’s what I see in the dating world. Everyone wants to assume that they’re ready for a committed intimate relationship with “the one.” And they are not even close to being ready. I’ve had many couples who have reached the marriage point but were barely ready to date, and were certainly not ready for marriage. Instead they just run along with no respect for what they are ready for and what they can handle.

In my book, We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You, I ask people to be congruent so that their words match their behavior. I offer choices to reflect a range to fit our entire capacity. I’ve included fifteen dating plans in the book, and the very first plan is about dating nobody. There’s a lack of respect for that a viable plan so we don’t see it in any of the dating books. In the same way over my 73 Years, I’ve never seen the government say “it’s not ready” and for that to be respected. When you tell people you’re not ready, people think there’s something wrong with you.

The principles in, We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You, which includes knowing where you are in life, knowing what you’re ready for, understanding what involvement a particular plan calls for,as well as understanding its upsides and downsides. My goal is to take those principles into the world, in order to help us in harmony with ourselves and others, rather than opposing everything. Most people are just fighting the world.

This goes back to the government shutdown. The different sides dislike what is offered ’regardless of what it is. They miss the opportunity to respect what’s being offered, to be able to really connect with that person so as to move toward a higher goal in terms of being in harmony, and being able to connect to others and learning the art of acceptance.

The only reason the government came to a decision was because of fear. There was a certain point that they got scared to not take an action. However, that was just manufactured. It didn’t represent any real deep, internal, integrated understanding of life, and of other people, or even understanding how they got into the situation in the first place.
The PETER Principle

The PITA principle is a business term, but I think it applies here on many levels. It is when you rise to the highest level of your incompetence. That is certainly true when we look at the government. Our leaders should be the wise men but because of the PITA principle, they just rise to their highest level of incompetence, it’s the reverse.

What’s Causes the PITA Principle?

We put a big emphasis on getting ahead, proving yourself, manipulation to get what you want. People figure out that if I do this or that, then I get ahead. It doesn’t mean they’re ready to move ahead, it doesn’t mean they’re competent for the role they’re searching for. They are simply just getting ahead. It’s much more of an ego trip, rather than having the substance to be at the level they’re really at.

Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of his best-selling books about relationships. He specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194.

For more information on couples therapy in Los Angeles & Woodland Hills, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at

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