The Relationship Blog

Using Accountabilty And Patterns To Sort Out Lying In Divorce And Custody Work

The fabrication of stories and accusations is quite common in high conflict divorce and custody situations. Many times the professionals working with these couples get lost in the enormously disparate stories which can be as much as 180% apart and they feel dumbfounded as to where the truth is. In assisting divorce professionals with this dilemma, I am proposing using a series of questions designed to reveal patterns of behavior that will expose the truth rather than using typically asked questions such as ” So what happened then?” or “What did you think about that?”, which merely introduces more content to already existing stories.

  1. Do you see any of your own personal accountability in what is happening between you and your divorcing partner? If your answer is “NO” then there is definite implication that you are not being honest.
  2. Is there any personal ego gain beyond the protection of your child in your negative claims against your partner? If the answer is “NO” then there is higher probability that you are lying.
  3. Do you consider your partner as the total bad one and you are the good one? If so then the suspicion is that there is definite lying.
  4. Do you believe that you are clearly superior to your partner in being right? If the answer is “YES” then it is likely that you are not telling the truth.
  5. Does your partner display any behavior that is more suitable or effective than yours in the viewing of the children and your marriage? If the answer is “NO” than this one sided portrayal strongly indicates doubt in what you are presenting.
  6. Does one of you seem much more defensive (all or nothing thinking, constant excuses, hostile) than the other? The assumption here is that you only need to defend what you doubt yourself.
  7. Do you tend to demonstrate more continuous hatred than your partner? If your answer is “YES” then you are definitely covering up something.
  8. Are you afraid of anything in coming to a mutual agreement with your partner? A denial of fear in a high conflict relationship is a definite indication of dishonesty.
  9. What is the unpleasant consequence within you if your partner is not guilty of your accusations? If the answer is nothing then it is doubtful that you are telling the truth.
  10. Do you find yourself repeating the same negative claims over and over again? An attachment to proving something is indicative of someone who is hiding something.
  11. Do you seem to have extensive energy in presenting a negative case to anyone and everyone about your partner? Again it is noted that people who know something do not need to keep proving it.
  12. Do you allow yourself to doubt any of the absolute statements you make about your partner? If your answer is “NO” then you are more attached to being right than telling the truth.
  13. How did you create the situation that led to your divorce, and you are not allowed to mention any behavior of your ex? If you are unable to do this, then it is viewed that there are giant holes in your story of the divorce.

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