The Relationship Blog

Sex Therapy Technique For: Trouble Keeping An Erection – Sex Therapist Los Angeles

My husband has trouble keeping an erection and feels great shame about it. I tell him I don’t care if he completes the act but he just pushes me away. It’s hurting our marriage and I really do just want to be close to him. What can I do?

I really hear your concern in your question, and your helplessness. What you need to first recognize is that you’re coming up against a man’s identity. A lot of men identify that the performance of their penis is who they are and if their penis doesn’t work, it’s like death. On top of that, and where we need to start in this situation is that he’s not hearing you he’s not letting you in. He’s leaving you out of the sexual relationship. So we need to break that pattern. The way that I want you to do that. I want you to go to him, and really insist, that I no longer want to be left out of our sexual relationship, I want to be included. Initially he’s going to try to brush off. Don’t let that happen. Don’t let him brush you off. Stay in there. After you’ve done that, and you feel he’s let you in some, then introduce him to a chapter in my book called The Joy of Unsatisfactory sex, in my book We’d Have A Great Relationship If It Weren’t For You. In there, I redefine sex as anything that happens between two people. So impotency is part of the relationship, so is fear, so awkwardness, so is anxiety. It’s all part. Sex is energy, these are just other forms of energy. And as a part of that, invite him to stand up for his refusal. Because that’s what he’s doing right now. And invite him to say to you “I refuse to let you into our sex life. It’s my sex life and I don’t want to let you into it.” I guarantee anyone who owns their behavior to that extent, will start to change. In addition, in the same chapter, I discuss something that may seem strange, certainly out of the box, and it’s called the wisdom of the penis. That the penis has something to say. Because not only is he not listening to you, he’s not listening to his own penis. Penises have messages, and they do it by how they behave. So his behavior could be saying I don’t feel safe here, I feel too burdened, and I’m not comfortable. The more he can do that, and the more he can let in his own relationship he will let you in. And the two of you can start to have a really authentic sexual relationship that includes a whole range of behaviors where you’re not limited to just the narrow spoke.

For more information, visit Dr. Derman’s page, sex therapist. Los Angeles therapy practice.

Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Woodland Hills and Santa Monica, California who specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194.

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