The Relationship Blog

Couples Therapy Los Angeles: Technique For Dealing With Your Spouse Leaving You

My husband came home tonight and told me that he loves me but he no longer wants to be married to me. I’m crushed. Why is he doing this to us?

I can certainly appreciate the difficulty of this situation. But I’m sorry to say it is not uncommon. In fact recently a client told me that her husband sent her an email, not even in person, telling her, after a 12 year marriage, he no longer wanted to go on. This is very difficult to hear, but one thing you have to take into mind is that this didn’t happen yesterday. He’d been thinking about this for a while and he just decided now to inform you about it, and tell you about it. It’s important, though, for you to realize that he’s not doing this to hurt you. That’s not going to serve you. You need to see it as his own decision. But regardless of that, it is crushing.  It’s very difficult when someone in your life makes a major decision about your life where you’ve got play catch-up and react to. That’s a very difficult position. So I want to help you in providing you with certain steps that you can take that may help you get through this very difficult situation.

The first thing I want you to do is I want you to write him a personal letter. Don’t worry about what you’re going to be saying because you’re not going to be sending it to him. This letter is for you. To help you with you expressing you and getting all this negativity out of you. So I want you to write a letter in the first person, “I am furious”.  Letting him know all of your frustrations, all of your anger, all of your rage, even, and don’t worry about it being presentable. Remember this is just for you. The second thing I want you to do is to write another letter. This time from your sadness.  You’ve gone through a tremendous loss and that needs to be expressed. And you need to give yourself the freedom in the letter, to say to him, “I’ve experienced a tremendous loss. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you but now I’m just left with a big hole.”

The third thing I want you to do is, and take your time, because you probably won’t be ready for this initially, but when you’re ready: to look over your relationship, and look for all the signs that were there. Things that you thought of saying, but you hesitated, you wanted to bring up but you didn’t, or just excused. And write all these down. And this will help you to no longer be in a relationship where you end up being surprised. Because when you’re surprised, that feeds your emotion. So if you have all this information, you can really help to take care of yourself in the future so that you don’t get into this kind of situation. Because you’ll be prepared.

For more information on couples therapy Los Angeles, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. or visit his homepage at

Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Woodland Hills and Santa Monica, California who specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194.

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