Couples Therapy – Using How You Judge Your Partner To Learn About Yourself
If I’m judging my partner’s passivity and putting them down every time they act passive, I need to see that as an opportunity rather than something to inflate myself with. To ask myself the questions: “what is there about this person’s passivity that isn’t suitable for me, and where am I within myself with being passive. Do I accept passivity within myself?” The answer will pretty much always be “No.” If I can see that the difficulty I am having with my partner’s passivity is really coming from me, or that I’m the source of it, then I can use that as an opportunity to make peace with my own passivity. I can, then, look at my partner’s passivity as just a quality and not something for me to use and judge.
The more you can do this in the relationship, the more you’ll allow more parts of yourself to enter the relationship. In a truly mutual relationship it’s all of me allowing myself to love all of you. As a result you can have a much richer relationship due to each of your many parts offering something positive to the relationship. In a mutual relationship we look at each part as having a positive intention and consider what it can offer and provide, rather than seeing it as an enemy that I have to get rid of or put down.
This can all be applied on many different levels, not just relationships. It can be applied to the levels of community, states, and nations.
Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Woodland Hills and Santa Monica, California who specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194.