Home

written by Bruce Derman

× Want to pay for a session? Click here. Therapy for All Your Relationship Needs Psychologist I am not a shrink, I am a stretch and I can help you expand your world Psychotherapist Guiding you through whatever stages of relationship you are stuck in Child Custody Mediator Help you to resolve custody issues with dignity and respect for all members of the family. Parenting Coordinator Provide help with differences in parenting during post divorce. Divorce Coach/Mediator Show you ways to not get hooked by high conflict situations and how to take better care of yourself. Eating Disorder Specialist Learn the deeper principles needed to end the war with food and dieting. Sex Therapist Discover how to expand your sexual experience by learning to accept the many parts of you that are stuck under your sexual bed. Dating Coach Learn a completely new attitude about dating so that you no longer dread this experience and increase your effectiveness. The Relationship Doctor Watch me discuss my approach. I have 42 years experience in helping people get into relationships that fit them, assist them in sustaining relationships, help them through impasses and conflict, guide them in resolving sex and power issues, and if necessary learn to deal with divorce and custody issues with dignity and respect. My three publications can assist you in addressing many of the dilemmas you will encounter in relationships at various stages. I've written three books about my experiences and successes in coaching relationships.  Read samples, order paperbacks, or download them to your kindle. In addition, there are several articles in my blog that I have written on marriage and divorce which also reflect my unique perspective. My Best Selling Books I have written three books, based on my 42 years of experience as a relationship counselor and therapist.  These books contain proven methods for creating new pathways of communication and breakthroughs in mutual understanding. Books about Relationships – “We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You” A Discussion About Dating August 7, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog In my first book “We’d Have A Great Date If It Wasn’t For You” the focus is mostly on couples and what’s… Read more » Books about Relationships – “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” August 5, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog The first book I wrote was “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” and this was stimulated by t… Read more » We Could’ve Had a Great Date if it Weren’t for You January 11, 2011 mybooks Description In this book you’ll discover which of the fifteen Dating Plans best fits who you are. You’ll learn… Read more » Core PhilosophyMy philosophy is based on the view that thinking which creates the illusion of separation is at the core of all of our problems and that learning to join is the answer to one’s healing. This is accomplished by learning to accept the unacceptable, whether it is powerlessness, disappointment, emptiness, or fear. If one can join with all aspects of their humanity without judgment, and see the positive intention of each part of themselves that they are objecting to, then the path is open to all of their goals. Core AudienceI want to work with people who are having difficulty with either getting into a relationship, dealing with difficulties that emerge in the course of a relationship or marriage, including all sexual dilemmas, as well as those who have decided to end their marriage through divorce. I only want to assist people who are serious, open, and committed to going through the process and facing any of the obstacles inherent in the stages listed. This in-depth approach is not for people who are looking for band aids or easy fixes, or for those who are not willing to truly look in the mirror at them selves. What I OfferMy clients learn to get off the emotional roller coaster and become more accepting of themselves. As a result they are able to walk through life rather than run from their fears, enabling them to have more energy available to achieve their life goals and dreams. Also they learn to be in intimate relationships as an equal, free and expressive partner, no longer caught up in negative beliefs, old stories, and avoidance of their true self. My single clients learn to date with a whole different attitude based on respect, trust, and honesty. They learn to appreciate whatever dating plan reflects their current life stance, and what is needed to change that plan. My married clients learn to create a relationship built around a WE rather than competitive “I’s” in which real agreements of participation and intimacy are formed on every level. My divorcing clients learn to end their relationships with dignity so that the family continues in a different form and is not destroyed for the children. As part of this process they learn to sort out the tasks of divorce from various emotional agendas so that they can achieve a real divorce as distinguished from one in name only. Please contact me if you would like answers to specific relationship comments and questions regarding all stages of relationships. I recently had the honor of talking about the various aspects of dating on LA TALK RADIO. I've read a LOT of books...and I thought I knew almost everything I needed to know...and once in a while a new book comes along and really puts things into perspective, gives a new viewpoint on how to look at the whole dating landscape...so this is going to come to a great help to everybody...I've had a lot of clinical psychologists and psychiatrists on this show but Dr Bruce Derman really knows what this is about. Lucia (Host), The Art of Love, LA Talk Radio Listen Now  

Home

written by Bruce Derman

× Want to pay for a session? Click here. Therapy for All Your Relationship Needs Psychologist I am not a shrink, I am a stretch and I can help you expand your world Psychotherapist Guiding you through whatever stages of relationship you are stuck in Child Custody Mediator Help you to resolve custody issues with dignity and respect for all members of the family. Parenting Coordinator Provide help with differences in parenting during post divorce. Divorce Coach/Mediator Show you ways to not get hooked by high conflict situations and how to take better care of yourself. Eating Disorder Specialist Learn the deeper principles needed to end the war with food and dieting. Sex Therapist Discover how to expand your sexual experience by learning to accept the many parts of you that are stuck under your sexual bed. Dating Coach Learn a completely new attitude about dating so that you no longer dread this experience and increase your effectiveness. The Relationship Doctor Watch me discuss my approach. I have 42 years experience in helping people get into relationships that fit them, assist them in sustaining relationships, help them through impasses and conflict, guide them in resolving sex and power issues, and if necessary learn to deal with divorce and custody issues with dignity and respect. My three publications can assist you in addressing many of the dilemmas you will encounter in relationships at various stages. I've written three books about my experiences and successes in coaching relationships.  Read samples, order paperbacks, or download them to your kindle. In addition, there are several articles in my blog that I have written on marriage and divorce which also reflect my unique perspective. My Best Selling Books I have written three books, based on my 42 years of experience as a relationship counselor and therapist.  These books contain proven methods for creating new pathways of communication and breakthroughs in mutual understanding. Books about Relationships – “We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You” A Discussion About Dating August 7, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog In my first book “We’d Have A Great Date If It Wasn’t For You” the focus is mostly on couples and what’s… Read more » Books about Relationships – “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” August 5, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog The first book I wrote was “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” and this was stimulated by t… Read more » We Could’ve Had a Great Date if it Weren’t for You January 11, 2011 mybooks Description In this book you’ll discover which of the fifteen Dating Plans best fits who you are. You’ll learn… Read more » Core PhilosophyMy philosophy is based on the view that thinking which creates the illusion of separation is at the core of all of our problems and that learning to join is the answer to one’s healing. This is accomplished by learning to accept the unacceptable, whether it is powerlessness, disappointment, emptiness, or fear. If one can join with all aspects of their humanity without judgment, and see the positive intention of each part of themselves that they are objecting to, then the path is open to all of their goals. Core AudienceI want to work with people who are having difficulty with either getting into a relationship, dealing with difficulties that emerge in the course of a relationship or marriage, including all sexual dilemmas, as well as those who have decided to end their marriage through divorce. I only want to assist people who are serious, open, and committed to going through the process and facing any of the obstacles inherent in the stages listed. This in-depth approach is not for people who are looking for band aids or easy fixes, or for those who are not willing to truly look in the mirror at them selves. What I OfferMy clients learn to get off the emotional roller coaster and become more accepting of themselves. As a result they are able to walk through life rather than run from their fears, enabling them to have more energy available to achieve their life goals and dreams. Also they learn to be in intimate relationships as an equal, free and expressive partner, no longer caught up in negative beliefs, old stories, and avoidance of their true self. My single clients learn to date with a whole different attitude based on respect, trust, and honesty. They learn to appreciate whatever dating plan reflects their current life stance, and what is needed to change that plan. My married clients learn to create a relationship built around a WE rather than competitive “I’s” in which real agreements of participation and intimacy are formed on every level. My divorcing clients learn to end their relationships with dignity so that the family continues in a different form and is not destroyed for the children. As part of this process they learn to sort out the tasks of divorce from various emotional agendas so that they can achieve a real divorce as distinguished from one in name only. Please contact me if you would like answers to specific relationship comments and questions regarding all stages of relationships. I recently had the honor of talking about the various aspects of dating on LA TALK RADIO. I've read a LOT of books...and I thought I knew almost everything I needed to know...and once in a while a new book comes along and really puts things into perspective, gives a new viewpoint on how to look at the whole dating landscape...so this is going to come to a great help to everybody...I've had a lot of clinical psychologists and psychiatrists on this show but Dr Bruce Derman really knows what this is about. Lucia (Host), The Art of Love, LA Talk Radio Listen Now  

Home

written by Bruce Derman

× Want to pay for a session? Click here. Therapy for All Your Relationship Needs Psychologist I am not a shrink, I am a stretch and I can help you expand your world Psychotherapist Guiding you through whatever stages of relationship you are stuck in Child Custody Mediator Help you to resolve custody issues with dignity and respect for all members of the family. Parenting Coordinator Provide help with differences in parenting during post divorce. Divorce Coach/Mediator Show you ways to not get hooked by high conflict situations and how to take better care of yourself. Eating Disorder Specialist Learn the deeper principles needed to end the war with food and dieting. Sex Therapist Discover how to expand your sexual experience by learning to accept the many parts of you that are stuck under your sexual bed. Dating Coach Learn a completely new attitude about dating so that you no longer dread this experience and increase your effectiveness. The Relationship Doctor Watch me discuss my approach. I have 42 years experience in helping people get into relationships that fit them, assist them in sustaining relationships, help them through impasses and conflict, guide them in resolving sex and power issues, and if necessary learn to deal with divorce and custody issues with dignity and respect. My three publications can assist you in addressing many of the dilemmas you will encounter in relationships at various stages. I've written three books about my experiences and successes in coaching relationships.  Read samples, order paperbacks, or download them to your kindle. In addition, there are several articles in my blog that I have written on marriage and divorce which also reflect my unique perspective. My Best Selling Books I have written three books, based on my 42 years of experience as a relationship counselor and therapist.  These books contain proven methods for creating new pathways of communication and breakthroughs in mutual understanding. Books about Relationships – “We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You” A Discussion About Dating August 7, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog In my first book “We’d Have A Great Date If It Wasn’t For You” the focus is mostly on couples and what’s… Read more » Books about Relationships – “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” August 5, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog The first book I wrote was “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” and this was stimulated by t… Read more » We Could’ve Had a Great Date if it Weren’t for You January 11, 2011 mybooks Description In this book you’ll discover which of the fifteen Dating Plans best fits who you are. You’ll learn… Read more » Core PhilosophyMy philosophy is based on the view that thinking which creates the illusion of separation is at the core of all of our problems and that learning to join is the answer to one’s healing. This is accomplished by learning to accept the unacceptable, whether it is powerlessness, disappointment, emptiness, or fear. If one can join with all aspects of their humanity without judgment, and see the positive intention of each part of themselves that they are objecting to, then the path is open to all of their goals. Core AudienceI want to work with people who are having difficulty with either getting into a relationship, dealing with difficulties that emerge in the course of a relationship or marriage, including all sexual dilemmas, as well as those who have decided to end their marriage through divorce. I only want to assist people who are serious, open, and committed to going through the process and facing any of the obstacles inherent in the stages listed. This in-depth approach is not for people who are looking for band aids or easy fixes, or for those who are not willing to truly look in the mirror at them selves. What I OfferMy clients learn to get off the emotional roller coaster and become more accepting of themselves. As a result they are able to walk through life rather than run from their fears, enabling them to have more energy available to achieve their life goals and dreams. Also they learn to be in intimate relationships as an equal, free and expressive partner, no longer caught up in negative beliefs, old stories, and avoidance of their true self. My single clients learn to date with a whole different attitude based on respect, trust, and honesty. They learn to appreciate whatever dating plan reflects their current life stance, and what is needed to change that plan. My married clients learn to create a relationship built around a WE rather than competitive “I’s” in which real agreements of participation and intimacy are formed on every level. My divorcing clients learn to end their relationships with dignity so that the family continues in a different form and is not destroyed for the children. As part of this process they learn to sort out the tasks of divorce from various emotional agendas so that they can achieve a real divorce as distinguished from one in name only. Please contact me if you would like answers to specific relationship comments and questions regarding all stages of relationships. I recently had the honor of talking about the various aspects of dating on LA TALK RADIO. I've read a LOT of books...and I thought I knew almost everything I needed to know...and once in a while a new book comes along and really puts things into perspective, gives a new viewpoint on how to look at the whole dating landscape...so this is going to come to a great help to everybody...I've had a lot of clinical psychologists and psychiatrists on this show but Dr Bruce Derman really knows what this is about. Lucia (Host), The Art of Love, LA Talk Radio Listen Now  

Home

written by Bruce Derman

× Want to pay for a session? Click here. Therapy for All Your Relationship Needs Psychologist I am not a shrink, I am a stretch and I can help you expand your world Psychotherapist Guiding you through whatever stages of relationship you are stuck in Child Custody Mediator Help you to resolve custody issues with dignity and respect for all members of the family. Parenting Coordinator Provide help with differences in parenting during post divorce. Divorce Coach/Mediator Show you ways to not get hooked by high conflict situations and how to take better care of yourself. Eating Disorder Specialist Learn the deeper principles needed to end the war with food and dieting. Sex Therapist Discover how to expand your sexual experience by learning to accept the many parts of you that are stuck under your sexual bed. Dating Coach Learn a completely new attitude about dating so that you no longer dread this experience and increase your effectiveness. The Relationship Doctor Watch me discuss my approach. I have 42 years experience in helping people get into relationships that fit them, assist them in sustaining relationships, help them through impasses and conflict, guide them in resolving sex and power issues, and if necessary learn to deal with divorce and custody issues with dignity and respect. My three publications can assist you in addressing many of the dilemmas you will encounter in relationships at various stages. I've written three books about my experiences and successes in coaching relationships.  Read samples, order paperbacks, or download them to your kindle. In addition, there are several articles in my blog that I have written on marriage and divorce which also reflect my unique perspective. My Best Selling Books I have written three books, based on my 42 years of experience as a relationship counselor and therapist.  These books contain proven methods for creating new pathways of communication and breakthroughs in mutual understanding. Books about Relationships – “We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You” A Discussion About Dating August 7, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog In my first book “We’d Have A Great Date If It Wasn’t For You” the focus is mostly on couples and what’s… Read more » Books about Relationships – “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” August 5, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog The first book I wrote was “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” and this was stimulated by t… Read more » We Could’ve Had a Great Date if it Weren’t for You January 11, 2011 mybooks Description In this book you’ll discover which of the fifteen Dating Plans best fits who you are. You’ll learn… Read more » Core PhilosophyMy philosophy is based on the view that thinking which creates the illusion of separation is at the core of all of our problems and that learning to join is the answer to one’s healing. This is accomplished by learning to accept the unacceptable, whether it is powerlessness, disappointment, emptiness, or fear. If one can join with all aspects of their humanity without judgment, and see the positive intention of each part of themselves that they are objecting to, then the path is open to all of their goals. Core AudienceI want to work with people who are having difficulty with either getting into a relationship, dealing with difficulties that emerge in the course of a relationship or marriage, including all sexual dilemmas, as well as those who have decided to end their marriage through divorce. I only want to assist people who are serious, open, and committed to going through the process and facing any of the obstacles inherent in the stages listed. This in-depth approach is not for people who are looking for band aids or easy fixes, or for those who are not willing to truly look in the mirror at them selves. What I OfferMy clients learn to get off the emotional roller coaster and become more accepting of themselves. As a result they are able to walk through life rather than run from their fears, enabling them to have more energy available to achieve their life goals and dreams. Also they learn to be in intimate relationships as an equal, free and expressive partner, no longer caught up in negative beliefs, old stories, and avoidance of their true self. My single clients learn to date with a whole different attitude based on respect, trust, and honesty. They learn to appreciate whatever dating plan reflects their current life stance, and what is needed to change that plan. My married clients learn to create a relationship built around a WE rather than competitive “I’s” in which real agreements of participation and intimacy are formed on every level. My divorcing clients learn to end their relationships with dignity so that the family continues in a different form and is not destroyed for the children. As part of this process they learn to sort out the tasks of divorce from various emotional agendas so that they can achieve a real divorce as distinguished from one in name only. Please contact me if you would like answers to specific relationship comments and questions regarding all stages of relationships. I recently had the honor of talking about the various aspects of dating on LA TALK RADIO. I've read a LOT of books...and I thought I knew almost everything I needed to know...and once in a while a new book comes along and really puts things into perspective, gives a new viewpoint on how to look at the whole dating landscape...so this is going to come to a great help to everybody...I've had a lot of clinical psychologists and psychiatrists on this show but Dr Bruce Derman really knows what this is about. Lucia (Host), The Art of Love, LA Talk Radio Listen Now  

Consult

written by Bruce Derman

If you're stuck at a particular stage of your relationship, Call me so I can offer my expertise. (818) 375-7194

Book

written by Bruce Derman

Now Available on Kindle or in Paperback Get a Free Excerpt of Dr. Derman's Best Selling Book *I hate spam and I will never share your information with anyone. Get a fast & free zero-risk quote. Sign up and we'll get right back to you. [contact-form-7 404 "Not Found"] Get a free quote. Sign up and we'll contact you at your earliest convenience. [contact-form-7 404 "Not Found"] *We hate spam and will never ever share your info. Free quote! Sign up for no-risk a free quote. [contact-form-7 404 "Not Found"]

Home

written by Bruce Derman

× Want to pay for a session? Click here. Therapy for All Your Relationship Needs Psychologist I am not a shrink, I am a stretch and I can help you expand your world Psychotherapist Guiding you through whatever stages of relationship you are stuck in Child Custody Mediator Help you to resolve custody issues with dignity and respect for all members of the family. Parenting Coordinator Provide help with differences in parenting during post divorce. Divorce Coach/Mediator Show you ways to not get hooked by high conflict situations and how to take better care of yourself. Eating Disorder Specialist Learn the deeper principles needed to end the war with food and dieting. Sex Therapist Discover how to expand your sexual experience by learning to accept the many parts of you that are stuck under your sexual bed. Dating Coach Learn a completely new attitude about dating so that you no longer dread this experience and increase your effectiveness. The Relationship Doctor Watch me discuss my approach. I have 42 years experience in helping people get into relationships that fit them, assist them in sustaining relationships, help them through impasses and conflict, guide them in resolving sex and power issues, and if necessary learn to deal with divorce and custody issues with dignity and respect. My three publications can assist you in addressing many of the dilemmas you will encounter in relationships at various stages. I've written three books about my experiences and successes in coaching relationships.  Read samples, order paperbacks, or download them to your kindle. In addition, there are several articles in my blog that I have written on marriage and divorce which also reflect my unique perspective. My Best Selling Books I have written three books, based on my 42 years of experience as a relationship counselor and therapist.  These books contain proven methods for creating new pathways of communication and breakthroughs in mutual understanding. Books about Relationships – “We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You” A Discussion About Dating August 7, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog In my first book “We’d Have A Great Date If It Wasn’t For You” the focus is mostly on couples and what’s… Read more » Books about Relationships – “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” August 5, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog The first book I wrote was “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” and this was stimulated by t… Read more » We Could’ve Had a Great Date if it Weren’t for You January 11, 2011 mybooks Description In this book you’ll discover which of the fifteen Dating Plans best fits who you are. You’ll learn… Read more » Core PhilosophyMy philosophy is based on the view that thinking which creates the illusion of separation is at the core of all of our problems and that learning to join is the answer to one’s healing. This is accomplished by learning to accept the unacceptable, whether it is powerlessness, disappointment, emptiness, or fear. If one can join with all aspects of their humanity without judgment, and see the positive intention of each part of themselves that they are objecting to, then the path is open to all of their goals. Core AudienceI want to work with people who are having difficulty with either getting into a relationship, dealing with difficulties that emerge in the course of a relationship or marriage, including all sexual dilemmas, as well as those who have decided to end their marriage through divorce. I only want to assist people who are serious, open, and committed to going through the process and facing any of the obstacles inherent in the stages listed. This in-depth approach is not for people who are looking for band aids or easy fixes, or for those who are not willing to truly look in the mirror at them selves. What I OfferMy clients learn to get off the emotional roller coaster and become more accepting of themselves. As a result they are able to walk through life rather than run from their fears, enabling them to have more energy available to achieve their life goals and dreams. Also they learn to be in intimate relationships as an equal, free and expressive partner, no longer caught up in negative beliefs, old stories, and avoidance of their true self. My single clients learn to date with a whole different attitude based on respect, trust, and honesty. They learn to appreciate whatever dating plan reflects their current life stance, and what is needed to change that plan. My married clients learn to create a relationship built around a WE rather than competitive “I’s” in which real agreements of participation and intimacy are formed on every level. My divorcing clients learn to end their relationships with dignity so that the family continues in a different form and is not destroyed for the children. As part of this process they learn to sort out the tasks of divorce from various emotional agendas so that they can achieve a real divorce as distinguished from one in name only. Please contact me if you would like answers to specific relationship comments and questions regarding all stages of relationships. I recently had the honor of talking about the various aspects of dating on LA TALK RADIO. I've read a LOT of books...and I thought I knew almost everything I needed to know...and once in a while a new book comes along and really puts things into perspective, gives a new viewpoint on how to look at the whole dating landscape...so this is going to come to a great help to everybody...I've had a lot of clinical psychologists and psychiatrists on this show but Dr Bruce Derman really knows what this is about. Lucia (Host), The Art of Love, LA Talk Radio Listen Now  

Home

written by Bruce Derman

× Want to pay for a session? Click here. Therapy for All Your Relationship Needs Psychologist I am not a shrink, I am a stretch and I can help you expand your world Psychotherapist Guiding you through whatever stages of relationship you are stuck in Child Custody Mediator Help you to resolve custody issues with dignity and respect for all members of the family. Parenting Coordinator Provide help with differences in parenting during post divorce. Divorce Coach/Mediator Show you ways to not get hooked by high conflict situations and how to take better care of yourself. Eating Disorder Specialist Learn the deeper principles needed to end the war with food and dieting. Sex Therapist Discover how to expand your sexual experience by learning to accept the many parts of you that are stuck under your sexual bed. Dating Coach Learn a completely new attitude about dating so that you no longer dread this experience and increase your effectiveness. The Relationship Doctor Watch me discuss my approach. I have 42 years experience in helping people get into relationships that fit them, assist them in sustaining relationships, help them through impasses and conflict, guide them in resolving sex and power issues, and if necessary learn to deal with divorce and custody issues with dignity and respect. My three publications can assist you in addressing many of the dilemmas you will encounter in relationships at various stages. I've written three books about my experiences and successes in coaching relationships.  Read samples, order paperbacks, or download them to your kindle. In addition, there are several articles in my blog that I have written on marriage and divorce which also reflect my unique perspective. My Best Selling Books I have written three books, based on my 42 years of experience as a relationship counselor and therapist.  These books contain proven methods for creating new pathways of communication and breakthroughs in mutual understanding. Books about Relationships – “We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You” A Discussion About Dating August 7, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog In my first book “We’d Have A Great Date If It Wasn’t For You” the focus is mostly on couples and what’s… Read more » Books about Relationships – “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” August 5, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog The first book I wrote was “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” and this was stimulated by t… Read more » We Could’ve Had a Great Date if it Weren’t for You January 11, 2011 mybooks Description In this book you’ll discover which of the fifteen Dating Plans best fits who you are. You’ll learn… Read more » Core PhilosophyMy philosophy is based on the view that thinking which creates the illusion of separation is at the core of all of our problems and that learning to join is the answer to one’s healing. This is accomplished by learning to accept the unacceptable, whether it is powerlessness, disappointment, emptiness, or fear. If one can join with all aspects of their humanity without judgment, and see the positive intention of each part of themselves that they are objecting to, then the path is open to all of their goals. Core AudienceI want to work with people who are having difficulty with either getting into a relationship, dealing with difficulties that emerge in the course of a relationship or marriage, including all sexual dilemmas, as well as those who have decided to end their marriage through divorce. I only want to assist people who are serious, open, and committed to going through the process and facing any of the obstacles inherent in the stages listed. This in-depth approach is not for people who are looking for band aids or easy fixes, or for those who are not willing to truly look in the mirror at them selves. What I OfferMy clients learn to get off the emotional roller coaster and become more accepting of themselves. As a result they are able to walk through life rather than run from their fears, enabling them to have more energy available to achieve their life goals and dreams. Also they learn to be in intimate relationships as an equal, free and expressive partner, no longer caught up in negative beliefs, old stories, and avoidance of their true self. My single clients learn to date with a whole different attitude based on respect, trust, and honesty. They learn to appreciate whatever dating plan reflects their current life stance, and what is needed to change that plan. My married clients learn to create a relationship built around a WE rather than competitive “I’s” in which real agreements of participation and intimacy are formed on every level. My divorcing clients learn to end their relationships with dignity so that the family continues in a different form and is not destroyed for the children. As part of this process they learn to sort out the tasks of divorce from various emotional agendas so that they can achieve a real divorce as distinguished from one in name only. Please contact me if you would like answers to specific relationship comments and questions regarding all stages of relationships. I recently had the honor of talking about the various aspects of dating on LA TALK RADIO. I've read a LOT of books...and I thought I knew almost everything I needed to know...and once in a while a new book comes along and really puts things into perspective, gives a new viewpoint on how to look at the whole dating landscape...so this is going to come to a great help to everybody...I've had a lot of clinical psychologists and psychiatrists on this show but Dr Bruce Derman really knows what this is about. Lucia (Host), The Art of Love, LA Talk Radio Listen Now  

Books about Relationships – “We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren't For You” A Discussion About Dating

written by Bruce Derman

In my first book “We’d Have A Great Date If It Wasn't For You” the focus is mostly on couples and what’s involved in a couple relationships. This book really reflects my whole philosophy which, if I’m going to break it down to one phrase, involves learning to accept the unacceptable. So that needs to prove and defend yourself are the result of some aspect of your humanity that you’re not accepting. The more you can accept it the less you need to prove and defend anything and the less you’d need to prove that there’s something wrong with your partner. This is a real key of learning to accept the unacceptable. What I mean by unacceptable is powerlessness, inadequacy, fear, sadness, disappointment, awkwardness, foolishness, stupidity. These are all things most people consider problems. I don’t consider them problems, however. I consider them aspects of your humanity. And they are necessary if you’re going to be in an intimate relationship. My first book helps people to go down a path of leaving the difference game which I've discussed in my previous blogs, by learning to accept themselves more. This allows them to accept their partners, and be open to much greater intimacy. Several years later I wrote about single people, not just couples, using the same philosophy of seeing similarities and not judging. This was my second book, “We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren't For You” because I wasn't happy about what I was seeing in the current dating books and books about relationships. Most of the dating books are just about finding “the one”. There are two difficulties with that. It assumes everyone is ready for “the one”, and that it’s all everybody wants. This is false. A lot of people can’t handle a committed intimate relationship and they need much more choices than that. So I opened up the idea that everybody has a dating plan and it doesn’t matter what it is. I don’t judge any dating plan. There is a plan I mention in my book called “dating nobody”. I know of no other book that supports dating nobody as a legitimate plan. If you say your dating nobody, people will think there’s something wrong with you, but not in my system. If you’re dating no one and that’s what’s good for you, and that’s what fits for you then I will support it as much as a committed intimate relationship. So I have presented fifteen dating plans and all I care about is that whatever dating plan you choose fits who you are. And that you’re willing to accept what goes with that plan and what that plan offers. So a three month relationship is not a problem. There’s nothing wrong with a three month relationship if that’s what you’re ready for. It offers, for example, the chance to meet a variety of people. For those people who don’t like messy relationships, the three month plan allows you to not worry about it. Because one month you’re feeling hot and heavy, one month your sort of mutual, and then next month you’re already leaving. So it never gets too messy because you’re gone by the time there can be a mess. I really support, in my BOOK, for people to discover the dating plan that fits them and works for them. And I only accept that you’re ready to go on to a different plan when you have changed somewhat and are ready for something different. When you've increased your capacity, then you’re ready for a different plan. It’s important to understand that there is no judging in my system. Most individuals can’t stand dating. They can’t stand it because they don’t accept what dating is. Dating is judgment and rejection. When you see someone for five seconds, in my view, you've already judged them five times. It’s part of the nature of dating. People want to date but they don’t want judgment and rejection to be a part of it. So they are constantly objecting to the nature of dating. In my book I totally accept what dating is, and support people to be upfront about it. Not to hide from it, nor to defend it. In “We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren't For You” I bring up telling your date, very early in dating, “You know, we’re probably going to be rejecting each other, so why don’t we be upfront about it. You tell me the ways you’ll reject me and I’ll tell you the ways I’m going to reject you and we can enjoy the rejection rather than live in fear of it.” I know no other book that will take that path. All relationships are successful, in my philosophy. So dating nobody is just as successful as a long term relationship, to me. As long as you live it for what it is. The only reason we even have the word “unsuccessful” is because we compare things to what they aren't. So a three month relationship gets compared to a long-term relationship and we call it a failure. It’s a dupe. I really support people getting off that type of thinking. Even to the extent of getting people to understand that there are no bad dates. There are just dates. But since we value certain dates over other dates, anything that we don’t regard as positive, we judge as bad dates. I support my clients to view all dating through non- judgmental eyes and I track any variation from this perspective. What do you think people define dating as? People mostly define dating as finding “the one”. If you look at all the dating books, they all have the word “find” in it. I don’t come from that place, and I don’t support just finding the one. I support that the person you want to meet is out there. It’s not that they are missing. You just have to be open to them. You have to let them come to you. When you realize that you are the problem, not them, then you can begin to take accountability for dating track record. I’ll frequently hear people say that “Everyone in Los Angeles is superficial and have no substance .” So this thinking leads to all daters ending up it in the same stereotype box. That creates an extremely false picture of dating life and supports excuses and justifications. The more accountable position is that you can find whatever relationship you want in Los Angeles, as long as you’re open to it. In addition, I try to get people off of the compulsion of seeking after finding “the one”. That’s what we are conditioned to look for and that’s what we are told is considered success. As a result of this quest, many daters get very depressed when they can’t find the one. I support enjoying whatever relationship you’re in as where you are at in your life. Even if you end up dating married people. Every dating plan has something positive in it. So if you want a safe relationship in which you can open yourself totally, in total safety, then date married men. You won’t have to worry about the relationship going anywhere because it’s not going to. And as a result you’re safe. Yet you can create this into tremendous drama by saying “I found the greatest love of my life, but he just happens to be married.” What about men dating married women? The same applies. But it’s important to remember that all relationships have their own unique consequences that are dictated by the dating plan you are in.   Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Woodland Hills and Santa Monica, California who specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194. For more information on books about relationships, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at TheRelationshipDoctor.net

Books about Relationships - “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You”

written by Bruce Derman

The first book I wrote was “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren't For You” and this was stimulated by the tremendous emphasis that was going on at the time about the gender differences. The main person behind this being John Gray, the author of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”. I was bothered by that book, since I felt it was putting too much emphasis on our differences. That book didn't explain to me why couples are really together. It was the standard idea that they are different so they complement each other. But, that didn't cut it for me. I didn't feel as though that was enough, and it made me begin to explore why I feel couples are together. I changed the question from, “How are couples different?” to ask the question “How is a couple the same?” That was the birth of my theory: any couple that you see together, who have an interest in one another, and share energy with one another, are the same. They are not together by accident. It’s the sameness which I refer to as having the same capacity for intimacy. They may not look like they are both equally intimate but my theory is that they wouldn't be together if that was the case. It’s not an accident that they are together. What I mean by the sameness is that they are at the same level of fear development. They are open to the same amount of fear as the other. Again, individual partners will look like they’re capable of much more but I don’t buy it. If you’re with a partner that can only handle fear at a 3, then you wouldn't be with him if you truly had a greater capacity for fear. You would find him boring and you would have no interest in him. So I really hold very strongly that if you’re together then you’re the same and because of that you match. I encourage all my couples to go beneath their differences and start looking for the sameness. The idea being that we have similar fears, manifesting in similar struggles once we strip away stylistic differences. Now, you may express it somewhat differently but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that there are a lot more similarities than you’re acknowledging. The more you can really see the sameness then you can allow the equality of the relationship and have an intimate relationship. If you hold instead onto the differences that tends to pre-occupy relationships, then the intimacy is going to be limited. Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Woodland Hills and Santa Monica, California who specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194. For more information on books about relationships, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at TheRelationshipDoctor.net

We Could've Had a Great Date if it Weren't for You

written by Bruce Derman

WE COULD’VE HAD A GREAT DATE IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU goes beyond other books for singles whose main purpose is to find THE ONE. By changing old, narrow perspectives and attitudes toward dating, a new way is revealed that will replace frustration and discouragement with the dating process to one of acceptance, accountability, respect, and fulfillment. $19.50 (incl. tax)  (Kindle Version Coming Soon) Description In this book you’ll discover which of the fifteen Dating Plans best fits who you are. You’ll learn who to play with. You’ll find new satisfaction in dating that supports and reflects your personal and emotional integrity. You’ll eliminate unpleasant dating surprises by finding out in advance what to expect with each plan.As you learn this new way of viewing dating and relationships, you will discover: There are no wrong people There are no bad dates There are no unsuccessful relationships There are no unavailable people So here is a chance to leave the limitations of “one size fits all” dating attitudes behind, and begin to enjoy authentic dating for possibly the first time. Purchase in Paperback: (Kindle Version Coming Soon) Reviews from Amazon 4.0 out of 5 stars :) December 1, 2008 By C. Mcwhorter Format:Paperback It was a good book. made me look at dating in a different light, it was very helpful and informative. Read More Purchase in Paperback: (Kindle Version Coming Soon)

Home

written by Bruce Derman

× Want to pay for a session? Click here. Therapy for All Your Relationship Needs Psychologist I am not a shrink, I am a stretch and I can help you expand your world Psychotherapist Guiding you through whatever stages of relationship you are stuck in Child Custody Mediator Help you to resolve custody issues with dignity and respect for all members of the family. Parenting Coordinator Provide help with differences in parenting during post divorce. Divorce Coach/Mediator Show you ways to not get hooked by high conflict situations and how to take better care of yourself. Eating Disorder Specialist Learn the deeper principles needed to end the war with food and dieting. Sex Therapist Discover how to expand your sexual experience by learning to accept the many parts of you that are stuck under your sexual bed. Dating Coach Learn a completely new attitude about dating so that you no longer dread this experience and increase your effectiveness. The Relationship Doctor Watch me discuss my approach. I have 42 years experience in helping people get into relationships that fit them, assist them in sustaining relationships, help them through impasses and conflict, guide them in resolving sex and power issues, and if necessary learn to deal with divorce and custody issues with dignity and respect. My three publications can assist you in addressing many of the dilemmas you will encounter in relationships at various stages. I've written three books about my experiences and successes in coaching relationships.  Read samples, order paperbacks, or download them to your kindle. In addition, there are several articles in my blog that I have written on marriage and divorce which also reflect my unique perspective. My Best Selling Books I have written three books, based on my 42 years of experience as a relationship counselor and therapist.  These books contain proven methods for creating new pathways of communication and breakthroughs in mutual understanding. Books about Relationships – “We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You” A Discussion About Dating August 7, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog In my first book “We’d Have A Great Date If It Wasn’t For You” the focus is mostly on couples and what’s… Read more » Books about Relationships – “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” August 5, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog The first book I wrote was “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” and this was stimulated by t… Read more » We Could’ve Had a Great Date if it Weren’t for You January 11, 2011 mybooks Description In this book you’ll discover which of the fifteen Dating Plans best fits who you are. You’ll learn… Read more » Core PhilosophyMy philosophy is based on the view that thinking which creates the illusion of separation is at the core of all of our problems and that learning to join is the answer to one’s healing. This is accomplished by learning to accept the unacceptable, whether it is powerlessness, disappointment, emptiness, or fear. If one can join with all aspects of their humanity without judgment, and see the positive intention of each part of themselves that they are objecting to, then the path is open to all of their goals. Core AudienceI want to work with people who are having difficulty with either getting into a relationship, dealing with difficulties that emerge in the course of a relationship or marriage, including all sexual dilemmas, as well as those who have decided to end their marriage through divorce. I only want to assist people who are serious, open, and committed to going through the process and facing any of the obstacles inherent in the stages listed. This in-depth approach is not for people who are looking for band aids or easy fixes, or for those who are not willing to truly look in the mirror at them selves. What I OfferMy clients learn to get off the emotional roller coaster and become more accepting of themselves. As a result they are able to walk through life rather than run from their fears, enabling them to have more energy available to achieve their life goals and dreams. Also they learn to be in intimate relationships as an equal, free and expressive partner, no longer caught up in negative beliefs, old stories, and avoidance of their true self. My single clients learn to date with a whole different attitude based on respect, trust, and honesty. They learn to appreciate whatever dating plan reflects their current life stance, and what is needed to change that plan. My married clients learn to create a relationship built around a WE rather than competitive “I’s” in which real agreements of participation and intimacy are formed on every level. My divorcing clients learn to end their relationships with dignity so that the family continues in a different form and is not destroyed for the children. As part of this process they learn to sort out the tasks of divorce from various emotional agendas so that they can achieve a real divorce as distinguished from one in name only. Please contact me if you would like answers to specific relationship comments and questions regarding all stages of relationships. I recently had the honor of talking about the various aspects of dating on LA TALK RADIO. I've read a LOT of books...and I thought I knew almost everything I needed to know...and once in a while a new book comes along and really puts things into perspective, gives a new viewpoint on how to look at the whole dating landscape...so this is going to come to a great help to everybody...I've had a lot of clinical psychologists and psychiatrists on this show but Dr Bruce Derman really knows what this is about. Lucia (Host), The Art of Love, LA Talk Radio Listen Now  

The Illusive Demands Of The Committed, Intimate Relationship

written by Bruce Derman

Do you know what it takes to create a committed, intimate relationship? In looking over the YourTango website on love and relationships, the words commitment and intimacy are prominently featured over and over again, and many a love-seeker is caught up in this quest. This pattern is similar in my psychotherapy practice in which numerous clients come in asking for my help in finding a committed and intimate relationship. Those who feel that they have failed in achieving this desire, express enormous despair and lament that their life is not complete without this. They cry out, "Will I ever find the one?" They then go on and share with me all of the times that their pursuit has ended up empty with tons of disappointment. Typically, most people have never asked the question, "What is a committed intimate relationship?" One woman came to see me and wanted my help in achieving this goal. So I asked her, "Are you willing to experience sadness in your life?" She immediately answered, "No, I don't like sadness. There is nothing positive in that experience. I just want a committed love relationship." To this I said, "I'm sorry, but you don't meet the criteria for the relationship you are requesting." She tried arguing with me about my "no," and I stated that "These aren't my rules. I am just letting you know the rules of a committed intimate relationship." She left frustrated. This experience is reflective of many people I have seen in my life, both professionally and personally, who have no idea what a committed and intimate relationship asks for, despite the energy they expend obsessing and seeking this goal. There is a major lack of understanding of what a committed intimate relationship (CIR) really is. The gap between the desired goal and what is involved speaks loudly why we see so much frustration in this arena, as well as the enormous divorce rates that occur in our culture. This article is my attempt to fill that gap and assist single people, and even married ones, who choose this path. It is my hope to clarify the demands of this kind of relationship and the nature of this journey. My wish is to take the surprise out of the equation, which is a frequent result for those on this quest, in order to reduce the anguish and the mood swings. Extremely Demanding The first thing is to realize that this journey is rarely just a smooth boat ride. A committed and intimate relationship is extremely demanding and asks you to be open and experience the many waves from joy to disappointment, as well as willingness to accept and expose numerous unacceptable internal personal parts, such as fear and sadness. Lastly, it requires the capacity to accept one's deepest vulnerabilities. Anything less than this kind of openness will result in attracting people who are just posing as intimate partners, which will become obvious within a very short period of time. Also, be aware that there is no shortage of posers and pretenders. One couple came to see me who had broken up numerous times even though they said they loved each other. It was revealed that each time she felt scared in the relationship she would run, while he would desperately try to avoid his insecurity by protecting himself through getting aggressive. They were not open to their fear or their insecurity, and the relationship would continually overwhelm them, leaving breaking up as their only solution. The Honeymoon Is Not The Trip A major dilemma that couples frequently face is their wish that the honeymoon period will hopefully last forever. In truth, the initial excitement that occurs during this time is merely designed to get one into the relationship, and it's a very short part of the journey. It is meant to fade, so that the real work of the committed and intimate relationship can begin, which is to look in the mirror and learn to accept and integrate the unacceptable aspects of ourselves. This will demand a shift from judging and rejecting qualities in our partners, to exploring the source of our rejecting behavior by turning our eyes on ourselves. In no way is this easy work, and it will present daily challenges. If we select a relationship with a truly intimate partner, they will demand constant exposure from us by their presence with very few exceptions. Attempting to look good and hiding from a parade of our so-called negative qualities, including feeling impotent, inadequate and insecure will prove to be an endless task. A frequent lament I hear is, "What happened to the person I first met?" I say "Nothing happened, other than their presentable mask faded and the real person showed up." Numerous clients come to see me and present in various ways that they want a selective mirror that doesn't reveal their fears, weakness, insecurity, inadequacy, boredom, or helplessness. I simply tell them that they are in the wrong relationship, and that a committed and intimate relationship is not suitable for them, since any true intimate relationship will leave them feeling all of these challenging emotions at one time or another. In magnifying their dilemma around the risks of exposure, I humorously express that I can find them a different partner, one who would have no interest in challenging them, and they won't have to be concerned about many of these vulnerable parts of their humanness. Then I share that they can at least feel safe and that their life will have less uncertainty in it. Real Commitment Another point that many people fail to realize is that commitment is not just a word. Of course, we all favor that word, but to be able to sustain commitment in the presence of one's fear usually reveals quite a different narrative. I have seen numerous individuals, who are starting relationships, state that they were committed, but as soon as fear shows up, they run for the hills or use many defensive postures to protect themselves from their partners. One needs to realize that fear is not an option in a committed and intimate relationship; it is a given. It will be there every time there is exposure to anything unknown that presents any uncertainty or insecurity, or any other unacceptable part that is revealed. After all, we have devoted ourselves to protecting against all of this long before we choose to enter a committed relationship. Yet despite these efforts, our partners are standing in front of us asking us in a variety of ways to be vulnerable and naked. It is at that moment that we are faced with demonstrating our commitment, and many of us say "No." It doesn't matter how we say it, whether it is through avoidance, substances, attacking, or defending. It is still saying that we are not open to a committed and intimate relationship. Exposure A committed and intimate relationship is clearly a long-term involvement, which asks us to address many issues over a life span, such as raising children, economic hardships, learning to deal with an assortment of friends and family, managing the demands of a home, and facing losses including death. It is not designed for hiding. The partner that has been chosen will be there in the morning, night, and throughout the day. For many people that is too much exposure to bear. Yet short of divorce, it is very difficult to avoid the intensity and the glare. Even if we choose to leave, it will only be a matter of time until we are again facing exposure from a new set of eyes, and finding other ways to hedge the light. Many Emotional Shifts A part of a couple's journey is learning to deal with the emotional shifts in the relationship dance. In some periods we may feel extremely close to our partner, only to be followed by episodes of great distance or on other occasions there will be great excitement, followed by periods of powerful boredom. Then there will be times of deep love, interrupted by times of anger. Each experience will leave us longing for constancy, as our cries for just closeness end in extreme frustration. It is essential for each couple to allow room for the entire range of feelings and the realization that over the long-term there will rarely be only one feeling. Reflection In Selection It is also important for partners, if they are considering the intimate couple journey, to appreciate two things about who they select. 1. Your partner is a reflection of who you are and will match your emotional and mental capacity no matter how they look on the surface. They are certainly not an accident. They are a clear match, provided one looks beneath the surface, since one can only create a relationship based on who we are. So on the intimacy continuum, someone who is a three on a 10 scale can only select someone who is also a three. Now, many people find this too humbling because it can certainly put a dent in any inflated sense of who we think we are, especially in a relationship to our partner. 2. The CIR can be viewed as a series of doors, and each door we go through asks us to expand our love capacity. Can we love our partners when we experience their entire package, including ex's, stepchildren, illness, and job loss? As stated before, despite the variety of appearances and styles, our partner has a similar love and pleasure capacity to be intimate or they wouldn't be on the same path. No one can be with more or less than they are, in my view. This can be tricky since some partners can put on a great act and appear to be a lot more than they are. Two Feet In Another difficulty couples run into in desiring a CIR, is that it will ask us to put two feet into the relationship and close the back door or there is no real commitment. Closing the back door and not using leaving as an option when things get tense freaks out many people, as they view this as a trap and the loss of their freedom. If one needs the divorce threat as an escape from the intensity and demands of the CIR, I would not recommend this kind of relationship. I meet many couples who threaten the relationship every time they have a fight. The result is a relationship with zero safety. So before considering the CIR, ask yourself if you are ready to close the back door. If hesitation is present, it will be best to reevaluate your goal. Testing Finally, we need to be aware that the CIR brings up a lot of testing activity whenever our partners feel insecure, which is normal for such a lengthy trip. So be prepared when your love, respect, acceptance, and commitment are being doubted by your partners. This is just part of the nature of walking together through the many challenges of life. The key for any partner in getting ready for the CIR is anticipating difficulty that arises, so that one doesn't get hooked into proving and defending when the personal accusations start flying. Then we can merely listen without getting defensive or emotionally reactive when our partner says, "You aren't very open like other men" and be able to respond, "I hear that you don't think I am equal to other men, so what do we do now?" Another aspect of deescalating the predictable tests is awareness that most testing among couples are flunk tests. Ultimately, there are no passes in relationship testing, in contrast to our conditioned beliefs stemming from our school backgrounds. An excellent tool to use when our love is doubted is to simply ask our partner, "What needs to happen for me to pass your test once and for all?" In almost every case, the partner will have no real answer, enabling them to see that this was just a maneuver being used to inflate their perspective of themselves. Conclusion The more each partner can say "yes" mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually to everything described here on this journey, the more they will be ready to benefit from all the gifts that a committed, intimate relationship has to offer. If we don't have a willingness to accept all these demands, it is best to not go down this path and save yourself a lot of grief. Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of his best-selling books about relationships. He specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194. For more information on couples counseling in Los Angeles & Woodland Hills, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at TheRelationshipDoctor.net

We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You, A Book on The Readiness of Relationships That Our Government Could Have Used

written by Bruce Derman

In my book, We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren't For You, like in all my books, I focus on really appreciating something for what it is and being able to find what fits for you rather than trying to squeeze yourself into something that doesn’t fit. The book discusses how we aren't all ready for an intimate and committed relationship, but that they we need to respect whatever relationship we are ready for. How does this relate to the government shutdown? No one in government discusses different levels. They all act like they are all at the same level and are all ready for whatever is thrown their way. No one every says “I’m not ready for this particular experience”, “I’m not ready to go to war or to spend this amount of money. They all act very grandiose and pretend that they are ready for everything. That’s what I see in the dating world. Everyone wants to assume that they’re ready for a committed intimate relationship with “the one.” And they are not even close to being ready. I've had many couples who have reached the marriage point but were barely ready to date, and were certainly not ready for marriage. Instead they just run along with no respect for what they are ready for and what they can handle. In my book, We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren't For You, I ask people to be congruent so that their words match their behavior. I offer choices to reflect a range to fit our entire capacity. I’ve included fifteen dating plans in the book, and the very first plan is about dating nobody. There’s a lack of respect for that a viable plan so we don't see it in any of the dating books. In the same way over my 73 Years, I’ve never seen the government say “it’s not ready” and for that to be respected. When you tell people you’re not ready, people think there’s something wrong with you. The principles in, We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You, which includes knowing where you are in life, knowing what you’re ready for, understanding what involvement a particular plan calls for,as well as understanding its upsides and downsides. My goal is to take those principles into the world, in order to help us in harmony with ourselves and others, rather than opposing everything. Most people are just fighting the world. This goes back to the government shutdown. The different sides dislike what is offered ’regardless of what it is. They miss the opportunity to respect what’s being offered, to be able to really connect with that person so as to move toward a higher goal in terms of being in harmony, and being able to connect to others and learning the art of acceptance. The only reason the government came to a decision was because of fear. There was a certain point that they got scared to not take an action. However, that was just manufactured. It didn’t represent any real deep, internal, integrated understanding of life, and of other people, or even understanding how they got into the situation in the first place. The PETER Principle The PITA principle is a business term, but I think it applies here on many levels. It is when you rise to the highest level of your incompetence. That is certainly true when we look at the government. Our leaders should be the wise men but because of the PITA principle, they just rise to their highest level of incompetence, it’s the reverse. What’s Causes the PITA Principle? We put a big emphasis on getting ahead, proving yourself, manipulation to get what you want. People figure out that if I do this or that, then I get ahead. It doesn’t mean they’re ready to move ahead, it doesn’t mean they’re competent for the role they’re searching for. They are simply just getting ahead. It’s much more of an ego trip, rather than having the substance to be at the level they’re really at. Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of his best-selling books about relationships. He specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194. For more information on couples therapy in Los Angeles & Woodland Hills, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at TheRelationshipDoctor.net

How my book, We’d Have A Great Relationship If It Weren't For You, Applies to the Government Shutdown

written by Bruce Derman

The number one topic in the newspapers, TV, and all of the media has been on the consequences of the government shutting down as a result of being totally ineffective. From my perspective, the reason that this has happened and will continue to happen regardless of the frustration and resentment is that the government reflects a dysfunctional relationship. In a relationship you need to know how to deal with another person. I believe the government shuts down because the government doesn’t know how to deal with anyone who isn't a clone of itself. When the person you’re relating to is an exact replica of yourself, then it’s easy to handle because you’re just saying “yes” to one another. But when you have an issue that results in a lot more conflict and differences and the person isn't a duplicate of yourself, it requires a lot more skill and an openness to relate to them. Even though my primary focus in my work is dealing with couples, my book We’d Have A Great Relationship If It Weren't For You, contains principles that are relevant to all levels of relationships. Part of the difficulty that governments like ours has is that they predominantly relate in what I call the difference game. The difference game is when we use any topic to prove that one of us is better or less than the other, and we end up either inflating or deflating ourselves. The moment we do that, just like with any of my couples, there can be no connection. When that happens on a government level, there is no real communication, nor is there the ability to listen, because no one listens to anyone who is not their equal. All we end up doing is spending our time proving how unequal we are. And that’s about all we've seen here, consistently on a government level.Instead of the relationship getting killed, the government just shuts down In my book, We’d Have A Great Relationship If It Weren't For You, I simplify the many theories of why couples don’t relate down to one thing: the playing of the difference game, proving one is better than the other, and using the other for that purpose. When you can cut through the difference game, and see that partners are the same, harmony becomes the outcome. In governments, there would be no shut downs. But since many of us don't appreciate the sameness which lies beneath all of our differences, there is very little time spent discovering how we are the same, so we merely seek out our differences. Take republicans and democrats, for example. They are the same, yet no one admits it. They are both one dimensional listeners, they would rather talk than listen, they think they’re better than the other, and they both care more about proving they are right **rather than accomplishing anything. If they were able to adopt the major principle in my book, which is learning an attitude of mutuality, we would never see our government shut down. Shut downs only occur when a relationship dies, and that only happens when we have fully proven that the other is not an equal partner. When we can maintain a mutual perspective it is much more difficult to get divorced, and there’s no way for us to sustain a lasting conflict with our partner. Only unequals can fight and unequals can divorce and shut down. I feel that my book has a great message beyond just the couples I work with and provides a way for mankind in dealing with the world. That message is to leave the difference game. Stop trying to prove you’re different than the other. Appreciate how you’re the same, recognize the sameness and integrate it into all of our relationships. Then when we begin talking to the other side, democrats or republicans in the government’s case, we’ll really want to listen to them. We won’t be trying to kill what they’re saying. We’ll really want to understand them. With this approach, when we come to a difference we’ll be a master of the difference, and not a victim of it. Right now, the government is the victim of differences. But when you’re the master of differences its no longer a roadblock. All the difference become opportunities to try to solve. The emphasis switches from using the difference, to solving the difference. Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of his best-selling books about relationships. He specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194. For more information on couples therapy in Los Angeles & Woodland Hills, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at TheRelationshipDoctor.net

The Hole, My Book on Accepting Emptiness – How Our Government Could Have Used This Knowledge

written by Bruce Derman

My book The Hole deals with the most dreaded thing to mankind, which is emptiness. I wrote the book to teach people to respect their emptiness, not to reject it, or run from it. It needs to be appreciated and integrated, as it is an essential part of our nature. If we look at the government shut down, they don’t allow any emptiness. As a result, they’re constantly trying to fill up this empty bottomless hole with their own egos, their know-it-all attitude, and what they are trying to prove. If they were to really integrate and respect emptiness, they wouldn’t have a desire to fill the hole with all this nonsense. If you can accept emptiness, you can accept anything. How would that fit in a dialogue with a Republican or Democrat? The key to my book, The Hole, is that most of us are frightened of the hole and are constantly seeking out ways to fill it. We believe that some external thing is going to fill it and whatever we deem as the thing to fill it, we’re going to be very attached to it. What recently occurred with the government shutdown is that different people got attached to different things. For example, the democrats are attached to Obama Care and the Republicans are opposed to it. Each side thinks that their stance is going to fill them and make them whole. When we get attached to something like this, we get invested in it, and your ego gets involved. Let’s take the example of guns. Many Americans think that having guns and the right to have guns is going to fill them, protect them, and take care of them to the point that hold on tight to this view. As a result we are not able to address the violence in our country when people think that guns are the answer to their life. This pattern is never ending as we’re constantly coming up with things that we think are going to fill us and become the answer to our life. We get caught up in wars thinking that they will be the answer, or if we accomplish this or that, that they will be the answer. The beauty of the book, The Hole, is the realization that no external thing is ever the answer. That the only way you can ever fill anything is to accept your own emptiness. And it works, paradoxically. When you can accept that, only then can you feel full. The Feeling of Emptiness Emptiness is the same as a space, or a void. It’s part of being able to appreciate that you’re relating to something. If there was no space, you wouldn’t even know there are Democrats or Republicans. For example, if everyone was a Republican, there would be no sense of the concept of being a Republican. Everything exists in contrast . When you allow there to be an empty space, then you can have a greater appreciation for different forms. Everything is space and form. One creates the other. When you can relate at this level, where you can appreciate space and form, then when you come toward different things in the world, you’ll have a much greater appreciation of it, and much greater respect for it. Because we don’t allow any space, or emptiness, and everything is focused just on the external, then we don’t have much of an appreciation for life or the world we live in. Just like when couples are in a relationship where they can’t allow any emptiness. They just fill the space with a lot of noise and a lot of conflict. If you totally accepted the emptiness, conflict would almost entirely drop off the map. It’s very important to be able to appreciate the world you live in and what’s going on around you, and to be able to free yourself of the never ending trap that the next “thing” is going to be the answer. Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of his best-selling books about relationships. He specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194. For more information on couples therapy in Los Angeles & Woodland Hills, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at TheRelationshipDoctor.net

Do You Know That Your Partner Is A Reflection Of You

written by Bruce Derman

Primary reason divorce rate is so high. Many couples talk about their partners as less than them in some core way. That is the primary reason the divorce rate is so high, since only unequals split apart. In support of this unequal perspective, many people present a picture of their relationships as being essentially an accident, like their coming together was a total mystery to them and everyone else. Within this perspective, some claim that they are the essence of intimacy and just happened to end up with an intimacy cripple. Others are very preoccupied with the differences between the sexes, as described by John Gray in Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, in which women are seen as being into intimate relationships and men are only into tasks and sports. How many of you have ever verbalized to yourselves in looking at a couple, “Why are they together? They seem so different “. Well you probably got caught up in viewing some superficial quality and missed seeing that they are together because they are the same. The differences were just a facade. In my work, I consider all of these conclusions about couples being so different to be myths that distort a true understanding of intimate relationships. Despite all the variations in personality styles among couples, I want to share with you even if you don’t want to hear it, that you can only be with your match. The partner that you are looking at across the table is merely a reflection of your relationship nature, no more, no less, or you wouldn’t have the energy to sustain any involvement. If you are only open to experiencing fear to a moderate degree, than you will only match with people who are at that level. It will be the same with brief relationships, unavailable people, or high drama individuals. Eckhart Tolle, the author of the Power Of Now states “Ultimately there is no other, as you are always meeting yourself.” As a result, if you keep having relationships with alcoholics who need rescuing, it is because you are not ready for more than a little boy, since you are in truth just a little girl who wears a caretaker disguise. Also, if you keep having relationships with narcissistic little girls who dump on you, it is because you are a little boy who doesn’t think he deserves anyone better. All these relationships are not wrong or even unsuccessful; they are merely statements of who you are and who you are open to meeting. In addition to your matching reflections, any partner who has an interest in you, especially if you have been together for several years, has the same capacity for intimacy and shares the same level of emotional development as you. In my opinion, if you were truly different in your emotional capacity you wouldn’t be together, and would display what I call loving disinterest. There would be no fighting, debating or arguing; just no interest. Now, without a doubt, this view is difficult for many of you to accept, because the alternative of seeing your own limits is so exposing and revealing. Very few people are willing to be that transparent. The more typical path is to make up some story about yourself and your partners, so you can feel impressed with yourself. After all, who doesn’t like being right and looking good to the world about your selection of partners. It sounds good for our friends to hear that we could have had great relationship if it weren’t for the behavior of our date, wife, or companion. But you need to ask yourself, if you are so convinced that you are better than your partner, then why are you with them? Do you have nothing else to do? Are you just feeling charitable? Or why are they hanging out with you since you devalue them or don’t love them? I have seen numerous couples in my practice repeat this same egotistical game year after year rather than acknowledge and being honest about their real intent; I am just using my mate to glorify me. Rather than accept the humbleness of seeing that you are no better than your partner and that they are merely a reflection of who you really are, we prefer to spend enormous amounts of time and energy proving that we are better or less than our partners. I call this verbal and emotional preoccupation THE DIFFERENCE GAME, in my book entitled, We’d Have a Great Relationship If It Weren’t For You. In playing the difference game, there is no task, perspective, or activity that cannot be used to prove that we are better or less than our partners, such as, "I love you more, I am more sensitive and open, I am brighter, I have better judgment, or I am more successful". Imagine if you dropped this ego attachment and no longer participated in this game within your relationship. You would then have time to listen, love, share, and be sexual to a much greater extent than you have known in your relationship. Of course, you would no longer be able to use your partner to inflate or deflate yourself, and you would be on very unfamiliar territory. To see if you are ready for this, imagine saying She loves me as much as I do her. He is just as open as I am. He is just as vulnerable as I am. She is just as interested in me as I am in her. If you can say comments like this without hedging in any way, then you are ready for an equal and mutual, intimate relationship with your partner. However, if you hedge or justify in any way, then there is still room for you to continue playing the difference game and maintaining a non-mutual attitude. Being accountable for your relationship and giving up being a victim and clinging to justifications, such as “I am with him because there is no one better”, or “I am still here because of the children” all of which takes courage to admit. There are two major characteristics of a mutual relationship. 1. Real agreements – Couples who can support mutuality tend to make real agreements, not sloppy ones in addressing the thousands of situations that they encounter. A real agreement involves saying “YES” on all four levels; mental, emotional, physica, and spiritual .While it requires a greater commitment, these agreements stand up over time and don’t need to be gone over repeatedly. 2. The WE. A mutual relationship consists of three parts, in contrast to the presence of only two parts in unequal relationships. The three parts are your needs, your partner’s need, and the needs of the relationship itself. Allowing for the relationship to have its own integrity called The WE, helps couples to be grounded, open, and respectful. From this perspective the couple continuously makes reference in every conflict in asking what the relationship says, suggests, and mentions would best serve the couple’s love and needs. An indication that The WE is present is that the statements shared are brief, inclusive, and never contain put- downs. The benefit of appreciating and integrating the mutuality approach into your relationship is that the two of you will be experiencing a softening of your respective armors, as you leave behind your proving and defensive postures. From this place you will regard the other as your equal at the core. Couples who learn to be with their partner with a mutual attitude have considerably less desire to fight, put the other down, or be distant. When you realize that your partner is an equal reflection of you, there is no need to protect yourself and the doors of true intimacy are wide open. Another benefit of developing an attitude of mutuality is that you will no longer be emotionally reactive to your partner, and go through a constant shifting of moving closer and moving away from each other. In this common dance one of you moves toward the other and then automatically the other moves back and away. Then at a certain point when the distancer starts to feel anxious and insecure, the distancer starts to moves forward until they can feel secure again about their partner’s interest and then the game shifts again. The sad part of this repetitive dance is that the couple is never able to achieve any lasting closeness, since both partners see the other as a threat. All this movement reactivity dissipates when the couple sees their sameness in being equally afraid, as well as similar in their desire in wanting to be close to the other. When they can achieve that awareness they no longer need to protect themselves in this circular chase and can enjoy the stillness of being close to their partner. Another consideration to think about is that only people who view their partners as unequal at a core level divorce. Couples with a mutual perspective hardly ever divorce. Have you ever heard anyone say, “He’s just as emotionally available and loving as me and I want to divorce him? I think not. Finally, in recognizing their mutual equality, a couple no longer needs to use their differences to elevate or deflate themselves, and can now accept and integrate all their differences into the rich tapestry of their intimate relationship. The reflection they once feared is transformed into a powerful picture of their love.   Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of his best-selling books about relationships. He specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194. For more information on couples therapy in Los Angeles & Woodland Hills, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at TheRelationshipDoctor.net

Are Men And Women Equal When It Comes To Affairs – Couples Therapy, Dr. Bruce Derman

written by Bruce Derman

Overall, they’re the same. I’ve had a number of people, men and women, that I’ve worked with who were involved through Ashley Madison, which supports married people to have affairs. I don’t see any intrinsic difference. You would think that men have much more need to prove themselves sexually because of their primary sexual fantasy. The fantasy of proving they are desirable to all women, which plays on a lot of men. It is hard for a marriage to satisfy that primary fantasy. Women also have a primary fantasy which connection and security. Both fantasies are insatiable and neither one can be satisfied, but marriage really goes against the man’s primary fantasy more than it goes against the woman’s primary fantasy. However if your connection is weak with your man you are just as vulnerable to affairs. In our culture, we tend to see things through very narrow lenses, and we don’t widen our lens to see the big picture. Anytime you’re giving energy that is taking you away from the marriage and from the marriage relationship. Anything that is not coming through the marriage, I consider an affair. Any behavior that does that is going to impact the marriage, even one that some consider a no-no which are women who have affairs with their children. I see a lot of that. In a marriage when the man is experiencing the woman being 100% consumed with the child, he feels he could drop off the edge of a cliff and it probably wouldn’t make any difference to her. Society considers that a devoted mother. We don’t say she’s having an affair. To me that’s bullshit. An affair is an affair. Just because you do it in a form that society says they favor, I don’t consider that anything less than an affair. Very few men would risk saying that they feel betrayed for fear being labeled as uncaring. Yet if he reacts and goes off and f*** another woman, everyone will stone him. But they won’t stone her, since it’s within safe presentable parameters. Why does society function on such narrow lens? Society always has a narrow lens. It’s a very biased culture, because we don’t accept that life is a duality. We tend to favor one side over the other, so trust is favored over distrust, and honesty is favored over dishonesty. Our conditioning goes along with whatever society favors and we tend to follow that thinking. As a result we miss the opportunity to train ourselves in thinking outside the box and to look through a much wider lens. In one decade, society favored that women ought to have sex with a lot of people. Then another decade comes along and they switch to the opposite. The problem is that our consciousness has trouble holding thoughts that include both sides of the coin, so we prefer to simply things by just following one side of any quality. There is an example that I love. In the sexual arena we tend to look at men and women differently, in that women have much more sexual freedom than men within our society. Thus, if a man were to look inside a window where there happens to be a naked woman, they would arrest him for being a peeping Tom. Let’s reverse it. Now the woman is looking inside a man’s window and he is naked and he will get arrested for exposing him. That’s a beautiful example of the way we’re so biased. People are less threatened by women having sex than by two men having sex. Some people really swallow this whole biased kind of thinking, and that affects their life tremendously. This is because you can’t live in just one little box. You can’t live on just one side of the street. There’s always going to be two sides of the street. There’s love and there’s hate. You have to appreciate that one comes out of the other. That things exist only in relation to their opposite. If everything was blue, you would never know blue. You only know blue because there are other colors. Is This Rooted From The Judeo-Christian Narrative? Yes, because the whole thing is based on good and bad. Everything in Judeo-Christian values is either bad behavior or good behavior. The most popular book in the world is the Bible, which is filled with biased thinking. How about all the other societies? Are they the same? Not all the societies, but Judeo-Christian is a very dominant philosophy. There are cultures, not major cultures, who don’t have any words for comparisons. Their people are not caught up in making comparisons of good or this is bad. Most of the world’s cultures are built on a particular bias in which their followers all subscribe to a particular bias. The tragedy is that they don’t treat it as bias, they regard it as truth. They end up with very narrow thinking. Why are so many cultures like that? A lot of their beliefs are fear dominated and if you’re fear dominated, you’re not going to be able to see through a wider lens. You’re not going to have a capacity for both sides of any equation. So, as a way to handle your fear, you’ll cling to certain narrow images in hopes that you don’t have to feel the fear. Most people are afraid of feeling afraid. I support my people to be willing to be afraid and depending where you are with fear, that will determine how expansive you can be. There is a film called, “Defending Life” where people die and go to Judgment City and appear in front of a tribunal. The tribunal has them on film throughout their entire life. The tribunal only cares about one thing. Has that person made peace with fear? If they determine that they have, they will send them beyond Judgment City, where they can get to use 45% of their brain. Most people who they determine have not made peace with their fear are put on a bus and are sent them back to Earth, where they will continue to use 3% of their brain. Most people use very little of their brain, because their fear dominates them and their ability to think expansively and think beyond the box. Ultimately, they’re too insecure to do that. Instead, they cling to various narrow ways in perceiving things and they join groups, so at least everyone in the group supports them and goes along with the one way of thinking. We tend to simplify things. We don’t like things too complicated. One way of simplifying is only look at one side of the coin and favor that, In teaching the merits of both sides, I declare that I am a secure and insecure man. That’s too complicated for most people. They can’t grasp that. They’d rather just cling to images of being a secure man and defend against any reference that they are also an insecure man. In my world My insecurity is valued as much as my security. Author: Bruce Derman Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and offers couples therapy in Los Angeles & Woodland Hills. He specializes in working with people in all stages of relationships. You may reach Dr. Derman by calling (818) 375-7194. For more information on couples therapy in Los Angeles & Woodland Hills, contact Dr. Bruce Derman PH.D. at TheRelationshipDoctor.net

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written by Bruce Derman

× Want to pay for a session? Click here. Therapy for All Your Relationship Needs Psychologist I am not a shrink, I am a stretch and I can help you expand your world Psychotherapist Guiding you through whatever stages of relationship you are stuck in Child Custody Mediator Help you to resolve custody issues with dignity and respect for all members of the family. Parenting Coordinator Provide help with differences in parenting during post divorce. Divorce Coach/Mediator Show you ways to not get hooked by high conflict situations and how to take better care of yourself. Eating Disorder Specialist Learn the deeper principles needed to end the war with food and dieting. Sex Therapist Discover how to expand your sexual experience by learning to accept the many parts of you that are stuck under your sexual bed. Dating Coach Learn a completely new attitude about dating so that you no longer dread this experience and increase your effectiveness. The Relationship Doctor Watch me discuss my approach. I have 42 years experience in helping people get into relationships that fit them, assist them in sustaining relationships, help them through impasses and conflict, guide them in resolving sex and power issues, and if necessary learn to deal with divorce and custody issues with dignity and respect. My three publications can assist you in addressing many of the dilemmas you will encounter in relationships at various stages. I've written three books about my experiences and successes in coaching relationships.  Read samples, order paperbacks, or download them to your kindle. In addition, there are several articles in my blog that I have written on marriage and divorce which also reflect my unique perspective. My Best Selling Books I have written three books, based on my 42 years of experience as a relationship counselor and therapist.  These books contain proven methods for creating new pathways of communication and breakthroughs in mutual understanding. Books about Relationships – “We Could Have Had A Great Date If It Weren’t For You” A Discussion About Dating August 7, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog In my first book “We’d Have A Great Date If It Wasn’t For You” the focus is mostly on couples and what’s… Read more » Books about Relationships – “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” August 5, 2013 mybooks Relationship Blog The first book I wrote was “We’d Have a Great Relationship if it Weren’t For You” and this was stimulated by t… Read more » We Could’ve Had a Great Date if it Weren’t for You January 11, 2011 mybooks Description In this book you’ll discover which of the fifteen Dating Plans best fits who you are. You’ll learn… Read more » Core PhilosophyMy philosophy is based on the view that thinking which creates the illusion of separation is at the core of all of our problems and that learning to join is the answer to one’s healing. This is accomplished by learning to accept the unacceptable, whether it is powerlessness, disappointment, emptiness, or fear. If one can join with all aspects of their humanity without judgment, and see the positive intention of each part of themselves that they are objecting to, then the path is open to all of their goals. Core AudienceI want to work with people who are having difficulty with either getting into a relationship, dealing with difficulties that emerge in the course of a relationship or marriage, including all sexual dilemmas, as well as those who have decided to end their marriage through divorce. I only want to assist people who are serious, open, and committed to going through the process and facing any of the obstacles inherent in the stages listed. This in-depth approach is not for people who are looking for band aids or easy fixes, or for those who are not willing to truly look in the mirror at them selves. What I OfferMy clients learn to get off the emotional roller coaster and become more accepting of themselves. As a result they are able to walk through life rather than run from their fears, enabling them to have more energy available to achieve their life goals and dreams. Also they learn to be in intimate relationships as an equal, free and expressive partner, no longer caught up in negative beliefs, old stories, and avoidance of their true self. My single clients learn to date with a whole different attitude based on respect, trust, and honesty. They learn to appreciate whatever dating plan reflects their current life stance, and what is needed to change that plan. My married clients learn to create a relationship built around a WE rather than competitive “I’s” in which real agreements of participation and intimacy are formed on every level. My divorcing clients learn to end their relationships with dignity so that the family continues in a different form and is not destroyed for the children. As part of this process they learn to sort out the tasks of divorce from various emotional agendas so that they can achieve a real divorce as distinguished from one in name only. Please contact me if you would like answers to specific relationship comments and questions regarding all stages of relationships. I recently had the honor of talking about the various aspects of dating on LA TALK RADIO. I've read a LOT of books...and I thought I knew almost everything I needed to know...and once in a while a new book comes along and really puts things into perspective, gives a new viewpoint on how to look at the whole dating landscape...so this is going to come to a great help to everybody...I've had a lot of clinical psychologists and psychiatrists on this show but Dr Bruce Derman really knows what this is about. Lucia (Host), The Art of Love, LA Talk Radio Listen Now